Saying Goodbye to My BSc.

Before this new and different life of mine, I was studying for my Bachelor of Science (BSc.). I was lucky enough that I fell in love with my Cellular Molecular Biology major.

Before I developed CRPS, I was a regular student worrying about my grades, and trying to figure out my next step.

I know the education I was receiving was a privilege in many ways. Now I know that studying for my BSc. was a physical privilege as well. A physical privilege that I no longer have.

Read More »


How CRPS Made Me Quit Listening to Music

I had to quit listening to music because of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. It’s true. I am slowly beginning to integrate it back into my life, but it’s been about 20 months since I enjoyed music.

Complex Regional Pain Syndrome can cause allodynia, where allodynia is an extreme response to an innocuous stimulus. For me, allodynia causes vibration-sensitivity, sound-sensitivity, issues around any breeze/wind, and more.

When I had to quit listening to music because it caused me physical pain, it was also very difficult for me emotionally. I have a deep history with many different kinds of music. Read More »

Spring News Rant

Wow. It has been a while.

Like many people who deal with CRPS, I am on many medications. Sometimes the medications, or combinations of them make me feel quite dulled mentally. For all my openness, I still can’t put something on here knowing that the writing isn’t totally me. The good news is that those combination of meds have been changed. The damp rag over my brain has dried up! ! !

Keep reading for more news on all things Zara. Yippee-cay-yay-MFer. Read More »

Inspiration Tourniquet

Good evening!

If you follow my blog, you may have noticed a real quiet period in the last couple months. As I implied in my last post, Quick Update, it has been a real trying time recently both mentally and physically.

Physically, I had a pretty wicked flare that seemed to last about 7 weeks. It started during December and carried on into January. Of course it’s hard to separate a physical flare from the mental state that either supports it or fights it. Looking back, I think I had a few low days thinking about the upcoming holiday season. This mental drop allowed the physicality of this disease to permeate my body even more than it usually does. My birthday also happens to fall a couple days after Christmas. I had to run away from my little birthday celebration. Well, kick everyone out of my room anyway. The weather was also unrelenting so that always affects me. It’s been up and down since the Big Bad Flare, but I have been able to add some different exercises.

The mental state of a person in pain is a huge determining factor in quality of life. I really believe that. If you can find things to enjoy and be grateful for, it can really help. If everything is daunting and you feel hopeless, it can really translate physically. Unfortunately mental states are easily altered by things beyond our control like depression, anxiety, side effects from the myriad of medications, support or lack thereof, financials, and underlying societal conditions. I remind myself that not everything can be controlled. As long as I can find aspects of myself that I can exercise control over, I can accept that. So, an example (also mentioned in my last post) is the current President of the United States of America. I find many of his words and actions to be deeply disturbing. So, I really try and stay away from visuals and have even started refusing to say his name. I try and discuss him as little as possible and for all intents and purposes, his name is 45.

I titled this post Inspiration Tourniquet because creatively my brain has been foggy and stifled. Sometimes I think creativity is a privilege, although there are those who still manage to turn it out in dire situations. For me, I need a bit of clarity to feel good about the words I share here. I love words, and when I am foggy I seem to lose them. Then the frustration comes. Frustration is an overall crap emotion, it hits me hard on the foggy days.

So thank you, thank you, thank you for being patient. That’s all I try to be, especially with my new life as a host for CRPS.

Zara aka Queen Bizara aka Zarx aka Your Favourite Cripple (right?!)



Quick Update

It’s been a while.

Unfortunately this is just a quick post to update everyone on a few things. I am still in a Chronic Pain Program. I am still waiting for a treatment to actually get my pain down. I am still struggling with my lucid/ vivid dreams that seem to yank any type of rest from me.

The state of our world is also affecting me. It’s hard for it not to. A discriminatory, illegal immigration ban signed on a day to remember the atrocities of the Holocaust. I love the USA. I love the land, and many of the people I have met there. It’s hard not to feel uneasy at what comes next.

We all need some extra meditation this week. We can all use some extra deep breaths. As they said during another difficult time at another place in the world, “Keep calm, and carry on.”

Happy Stress Season!

Hello there.

The Season of Stress is full-on. For many, this time of year is a cold, busy, light-in-the-wallet kind of time. That’s at best. At worst it can be a living hell, emphasized by losses new and less new, deeply personal and personally deep. I really hope none of you are having this experience this year, but life isn’t easy so some of you inevitably are. Do your best to keep your head up, I am rooting for you.

I find this season to remind me of the things I have lost. I also see what I have gained, like a community and some wonderful friends, but it just seems easier to see the lost mobility, and life. I have said before I have hope for the future, and I am in a chronic pain program now where my goal is to gain some of my life back. I still have hope for the future. It is kind of hard during the holidays now as I am in a several week flare, had a massive spreading scare, have a birthday coming up, and the first “shit-iversary” of a diagnosis that really has changed my life. On the bright side, there are some wonderful people coming to town who I get to see. I hope you pick up on the flip-flopping nature of this. This month seems to have been lots of hope/dissonance. Perhaps you can relate to this, and this will remind every person that we are not alone in all of these worlds of feelings.

So, Bah-Humbug & Yippee Cay Yay Mother F*cker, aka Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year.


Canadian Veterans’ Medication Slash

Canada’s Veterans Affairs Minister The Honourable Kent Hehr has proposed restricting veterans access to medical marijuana by cutting funding and the amount available in a prescription. In the proposed changes, veterans will be restricted to 3 grams a day compared to 10 grams as well as a cost per gram restriction, maxing out at $8.50/ gram. Medical marijuana purchased under the relatively new Access to Cannabis for Medical Purposes Regulations (ACMPR) must be obtained from a Licensed Producer (LP). These LPs charge a maximum of $15/ gram. I personally find these strains to be more efficient, and more therapeutic as they often include the high CBD and high THC strains. [If you aren’t sure about what these components of cannabis mean, check out this pretty decent description of THC vs. CBD.]

So not only is our Minister restricting the amount but also essentially restricting the quality of meds veterans have access to, especially with our current structure of LPs. Please check out my whole post, I have many sources and comments on many different levels of this (currently) Canadian issue. Read More »