Update & Thoughts

Hey everyone,

I haven’t been writing very much in the last ~6 months. I’ve really been trying to focus on becoming more functional, and I’ve sort of neglected some of the other stuff. Writing helps me to process things, and to mark different events. It’s always hard to balance all the aspects of our lives. I think everyone feels out of balance at some point, sometimes even daily! (Exams, am I right students?!)

As you may have heard me mention before, chronic pain and depression often go hand-in-hand. When your life has changed so significantly because of daily pain, depression can easily follow. When I don’t have enough positive things to share, I get upset with myself. I start to question if I am doing all I can be doing. I question whether or not I could have handled one more exercise yesterday, whether I’m whimpering the day after or not. I question whether I am being honest with myself about my future, or if I’m delusional in some way for believing I will have a life back again. Some of these thoughts are totally illogical or untrue, and are therefore poisonous to my recovery and well-being. It doesn’t stop the thoughts from happening, though.

Like anyone else who goes through mind state challenges, it’s a daily thing to push all these thoughts away. I’m sure many of you know how much energy that can take. I am determined to push for progress, and the mental aspect of it is huge.

So what does progress look like? I’m not on opioids, so that is positive. The new medication, low dose naltrexone (LDN) seems to be helping. I can handle more activity, spend longer standing, and spend longer sitting. Yes, I am training myself to sit and stand again. I can sit in a normal chair for a maximum of about an hour. Then I pay for it with a flare up. I can stand for about 15-20 minutes. This is a big accomplishment for me, because there was a time when I could barely stand for 2 minutes. I couldn’t sit without knowing I would be flared up after. I can also handle more stimulus than I used to, including vibrations, and sounds. I am really enjoying music again, which is lovely. That’s what progress looks like for me.

I am doing my best to keep the pace moving forward. I want to stay on this path of improvement for as long as I can. Keep on keeping on, or something like that.

Here’s to low pain & high functioning days!

Advertisements

The World We Live In

Once again, it’s been a while.

A few things are happening that contributed to my lack of posts in the last month or so.

It’s really two things: medication changes, and the state of the world today. I can’t be the only one who works through emotions on a daily basis, hearing about the lives of people across the globe. I am privileged in a plethora of ways. The vast majority of world issues do not affect me directly, I am very aware of my privileges in that sense. Unless you have a giant pair of horse blinders connected to rose coloured glasses, I think it’s impossible not to be overwhelmed by the world we live in…

*Warning: This is a very heavy post. Topics include war, suicide, violence, and oppression..* Read More »

Spring News Rant

Wow. It has been a while.

Like many people who deal with CRPS, I am on many medications. Sometimes the medications, or combinations of them make me feel quite dulled mentally. For all my openness, I still can’t put something on here knowing that the writing isn’t totally me. The good news is that those combination of meds have been changed. The damp rag over my brain has dried up! ! !

Keep reading for more news on all things Zara. Yippee-cay-yay-MFer. Read More »

The Inner Process

Everyone has an inner voice, and thought process. From what I gather, this is a messy place for many people. I am one of those. My inner voice has always been very hard to silence, and is more negative than positive. As I say often, it is what it is. I have learned methods over the years to control and manage it, stopping negative thoughts as or before they happen, and making my mind a more peaceful place. It’s never easy, but it has definitely proved fruitful. I am a lot happier with the balance of the process staying in the positive realm. My inner process is definitely a hallmark Pickel trait. I saw it daily in my grandmother, exacerbated by the dementia at the end of her life. I’m not sure she was lucky enough to develop methods that worked at keeping the negative and self-doubting side balanced. As a result, I don’t take it for granted that I have managed to find my own methods.

I went to a lovely wedding on Sunday, and I felt very lucky to be able to attend. I used a wheelchair, and it made the 5 hours (I know, right?!) I spent there possible. The ceremony was beautiful, between two people who really love and complete each other. It was one of my favourite venues, and had a really neat vibe.

The Inner Process really got to me on Sunday…Read More »