Self love is the act of appreciating and praising oneself. So is self death what happens when we run out of motivation, energy, and hope? Or when our minds are polluted with poisonous thoughts?
I should be clear, I am not talking about literal death. Just the opposite feeling of how self love can make one feel renewed. To me the idea of self-death is the weight of doubt, anger, sadness, blame, and anxiety all crushed up together into some sort of sick pill life has provided for us to swallow.
What happens when you just run out of patience? I have found myself incredibly impatient and mad lately. I have made progress with the CRPS, but it is taking so damn long and I have been so fucking patient. The feeling of frustration is another terrible one, and I’m basking in all of its terribleness right now. I am trying to convince myself that I am cool, I am calm, I am comfortable, but it has an opposite effect. When I get into these moods, I think the only way to get over it, is to sit in it for a while. Every time I’ve tried to just cover up a mood like this with some sort of strategy it ends up adding fuel to the mood. I am allowed to be mad. Let’s hope I can get it out quickly and then I won’t have to feel this way again for a while.
The recent therapy I tried (hypnosis) gave me some additional tools but I was hoping for more. I’ll talk about that therapy more at a later time. Maybe more progress will come, but I have to get through this self-death first.
*disclaimer: Chronic illness is very up and down. I am not great right now, but I’m not the worst. This blog is a way for me to get my thoughts out and perhaps someone with a similar experience will feel relief that they aren’t the only one feeling a certain way. I am not suicidal, and this post is not about suicide. But if you are feeling that way, I’m sorry and please take a moment to consider there is support out there and you are worthy of it. You can find some resources here.