The Inner Process

Everyone has an inner voice, and thought process. From what I gather, this is a messy place for many people. I am one of those. My inner voice has always been very hard to silence, and is more negative than positive. As I say often, it is what it is. I have learned methods over the years to control and manage it, stopping negative thoughts as or before they happen, and making my mind a more peaceful place. It’s never easy, but it has definitely proved fruitful. I am a lot happier with the balance of the process staying in the positive realm. My inner process is definitely a hallmark Pickel trait. I saw it daily in my grandmother, exacerbated by the dementia at the end of her life. I’m not sure she was lucky enough to develop methods that worked at keeping the negative and self-doubting side balanced. As a result, I don’t take it for granted that I have managed to find my own methods.

I went to a lovely wedding on Sunday, and I felt very lucky to be able to attend. I used a wheelchair, and it made the 5 hours (I know, right?!) I spent there possible. The ceremony was beautiful, between two people who really love and complete each other. It was one of my favourite venues, and had a really neat vibe.

The Inner Process really got to me on Sunday…

I was super anxious about attending an event where I could be so vulnerable and at risk. In classic Me form, I flipped out as I was putting on my makeup because as I put it, “I feel like shit and I can’t even look good”. Fucking cat winged eyeliner, I’m sure some of you can empathize with this. Anyway, I managed to pull myself together from my pre-ceremony panic attack and we made it on time. We ended up having to take an extra vehicle but considering I was crying 25 minutes before, that’s not so bad. I lined my brows, threw on a bold berry lip, and a swipe of taupe metal eyeshadow. Damn right I matched my wheelchair. Nailed it.

At the ceremony however, I was faced with the process going predominantly negative. I was faced with a huge number of questions. I think about this from time to time, but I know it’s not healthy for me personally so I just shut it down when the questions start. The whole negative string started though, and it was really nearly impossible to stop it.

Will I have to be in a wheelchair every time I attend an event like this? What about my friends getting married in places not accessible to me (trips, farms, anything with a gravel road leading up, etc.)? How much of my friends and family’s lives will I miss out on because it’s not possible for me? How close will I get to my other body I had before CRPS?

I’ve never really been someone to dream about my own wedding, but then those questions started. Will I be able to have a fulfilling relationship? Will I get married? Will I have have to be in a wheelchair at my own wedding to manage, whenever/ if it happens? Will whoever I marry have to not only be my lover and friend but a caregiver as well? Is a relationship at the physical level I would want even possible? 

Then, will I get treatment soon? When I get back on WCB will I be back to square one for treatments? When will that happen? Will I have to get a lawyer as so many do? How hard will I have to fight to be taken care of? Will I be kicked out of this one program as soon as WCB takes me back, and will that make my file even more scary? Am I going to hit the one year mark of being bedridden before I get into a proper pain program long-term? 

Am I going to have to abandon my science degree because I can’t go back? Will I have to start a bachelor degree online in isolation? Will I be able to work in the future? What type of work will I be able to do? How long will I be a dependent to my parents? Am I going to need help my whole life? 

This is the string that popped up in the span of a few minutes.

I really try to shut down questions to myself about the future, because nobody ever knows what the future will hold. I do think I will get to a point where I am closer to my other body than I am now, but it really is hard not to wonder what the extent will be. I do my best to stay positive, but the questions can just go rapid fire in the right/ wrong situation.

The great news is, I managed to turn the Bullshit down from 11, and I did enjoy a lovely ceremony with some very old family friends, and my family. My sister moved to Victoria to start her university life (yay!), and it was really cool to go out with the family on her last night here. Viva la resistance.

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